Master is Pregnant
This day is always a day of thoughts...and prayers...conversations with God...June 13, 1991. The day we said hello and goodbye to our wee lamb, David Jesse. We were so excited to be Blessed with a pregnancy...we took three of our children with us to the sonogram, they had never seen one before, and they were going to learn if they were getting a little brother or sister. The sonogram started...and the technician pointed out the feet, and little hands...then said she would be right back...I could not see the screen, but thought it was odd she had left the room right in the middle of it. So then she came back, and the doctor sat down, studied the screen...my heart skipped a beat, and I asked was there something wrong...without even looking at me he said, “Your baby has no heart beat, IT is dead...” patted my leg and left the room.
I had to hold it together, my children were stunned, we were shocked...I didn’t know what to do...and the doctor and nurse had walked out of the room...Bud stepped out to find them, but they weren’t to be seen...anywhere! Bud took the kids to the waiting room, they were crying...I was alone and begging God for it to be a nightmare I could wake from! I really had no time to take it all in, had questions, but no one to ask them to...I got dressed, and left the room...I felt like all eyes were on us...and I kept telling myself to breath, just breath. We gathered the children, none of us could speak...we were in shock, I think, as I look back...I don’t remember the drive home...as the words echoed in my head...and I begged for our baby...for the doctor to be wrong...just so heartbreaking, as my hands rubbed my belly, begging for a kick...if only as I held him, cradled in my womb...life could change the course...But lifeless, our baby....it was nearly to much to take in! Master is Pregnant
I called the doctor, who said I would go into labor on my own, and I waited, at home, grieving, scared, begging...and sending up prayers...yet labor did not come. I was getting weaker, as I grieved, couldn’t eat or keep anything I drank down...I experienced a grief like I had never known before....I cried out to God, repeatedly...I called the doctor, and he decided to induce me on day four...with our hearts breaking, Bud drove me to the hospital. I will never forget going past Planned Parenthood where there were picketers, and a lady going in...and I thought, “But Lord, our baby is so wanted...and they are taking their gifts and destroying them! It broke me! The tears came fast and hard...and yet I had to walk from the parking lot, to the room through the hospital halls to where?
Oh Lord...this walk so unwanted...
The maternity ward...a place filled with new life and happy celebrations...and us. We had to stop at three different places to sign in...each time, the reception was at first joy...and then we had to explain I was not in labor, but was there to be induced because our baby was stillborn...to be born sleeping...I was in my fifth month so labor and delivery...was what had to happen.
There were no instructions for this...what to expect...what was going to happen...this wasn’t the path we were preparing for...I was so exhausted, physically and mentally, I was spent. The doctor came in and began things to force my body to go into labor...I was told it would take 12 to 16 hours...then the doctor left...not just the room but the hospital too! Well, labor lasted just over five hours...the pain was incredible...we called for help...and when no one came, I delivered our precious tiny baby boy. I held him, crying...he looked perfect...beautifully formed...ten little toes, ten little fingers...fine hair, thin skin...slender lips...he looked like our eldest son...but no cry, no breath...and finally a nurse came in...she had been with another patient, she was a Christian, and she Prayed with us...then she took our Lamb...this was all we were permitted with our wee son...those few minutes...then a bunch of things happened, and I was rushed into surgery...
I woke in a recovery room with three other new Mothers, all with their babies. It seemed so cruel...my arms ached to have our child. They came and said I was being signed out, but then I went into a high fever so stayed overnight...and left the next morning. I grieved, I ached, in ways I had never had before...such a deep sorrow, so I talked to God, a lot. He carried me as I put on a smile, and went through the weeks ahead...but inside I ached, I cried when others could not see me...until the tears dried...and I wondered what our son would have been like.
It was a very difficult time...I did not understand why God had given me, us, this sorrow, this walk...but I submitted myself to Him...I started seeing things from God, a hummingbird...a butterfly...both in one day at the grave...a hummingbird was sitting on our baby’s headstone...and I began a new walk. The walk of learning to live with grief.
God carried me, encouraged me...and wrapped around me in those tender times...and He gave me the courage to go in person, to the hospital, and help share my story of my poor treatment in my time of need, and they really listened. They changed their policy’s ...people in my circumstances were removed away from other new parents...a nurse and a counselor were put in place, pictures taken of the wee lamb...and time with the baby...all these things were changed after I shared my story...and I am so thankful for that..
We were given a poem that I have shared often, that was read at the gravesite for our David....(and later for our daughter, Mackenzie Faith) and this poem hangs in our living room...still today, and still lifts my heart...as I think of our sweet babies...
The Plan of the Master Weaver
Our lives are but fine weavings
That God and we prepare,
Each life becomes a fabric planned,
And fashioned in His care.
We may not always see just how
The weavings intertwine,
But we must trust the master’s hand
And follow His design,
For He can view the pattern
Upon the upper side,
While we must look from underneath
And trust in Him to guide...
Sometimes a strand of sorrow,
Is added to His Plan,
And though it’s difficult for us,
We still must understand,
That it’s He who fills the shuttle.
It’s He who knows whats best
So we must weave in patience,
And leave Him to the rest...
Not till the loom is silent
And the shuttles cease to fly,
Shall God unroll the canvas
And give the answers why...
The dark threads are as needed
In the weavers skillful hands,
As the threads of gold and silver,
In the pattern He has planned.
Abba Father, Great Holy Spirit...You know my heart this day...as I wish our son a Happy Heavenly 28th Birthday, as he is with you in Gloryland...I still wonder what he would have been like, if he were here with us...and I dream of the day we will be reunited...forever. I smile at the thought of meeting our David Jesse in Heavens Bounty...and wonder what it must be like as he, with brother Julian Rene, and two years later, Mackenzie Faith, also born sleeping...united, and danced before their Heavenly Father. I imagine the Angels sang...and welcomed them.
I think of the many that have lost children...and all those moments of those children being with each other, and our relatives and friends that are together...and even though a tear slides down my face...I think how wonderful, it must be for them running, playing, loving and awaiting us to join them. I always think of them, wonder what age they will be.....I think of them in the whispers of the wind...the rays of light breaking through the clouds...or the twinkling of a new star, that seems to touch our hearts and say...Loving you from Heaven.
In remembrances, we dream of them, in the mist of each dew drop and every sweet scent of life...we reflect on them being with Our Lord God, Our Great Holy Spirit...and Our Savior, Sweetly calling...our children to Him...the Beauty and the Peace...the Joy and the Love...Heavens Gift...who see’s and know’s our tears...and our dreams...until again, we rest together, with them...in the name and the Presence of Our King, Spirit and Son, Our Risen Savior, Jesus Christ...amen.
Happy Heavenly Birthday David Jesse...
Always and Forever,