Dao: Journey to the Top of the Universe

On Monday my kids joined me as I went in for a regular OB appointment. The kind of appointment they take your weight, blood pressure, measure your belly and hear the baby through the fetal doppler. My doctor came in asked the usual questions and went on to listen to the baby's heartbeat. She moved the wand around and around, side to side. I had a sudden rush and my heart began beating fast. My kids were in the room and began to question. My doctor was unable to find my baby's heartbeat, assumed the placenta was in the way and sent me to get an ultrasound to confirm everything was alright. Dao: Journey to the Top of the Universe

I did not allow my kids to enter the ultrasound room, I just had a feeling. The ultrasound technician began the process and we both immediately knew what had happened. I really wanted to see the flickering of the heart but just like her I was unable to see it.

Being 18 weeks that day the technician informed me the baby had stopped growing at 15 weeks. I am extremely sad and devastated. I wanted to hear the beautiful sound of my baby's heartbeat but it was not possible.

Today my next step in all of this was prepping for a D&C procedure that will take place tomorrow. Another difficult process both physically and emotionally.

I am blessed beyond measure to have by my side an amazing and supportive husband. Family, friends, coworkers, church members who have outpoured us with uplifting messages, prayers and extended support, thank you.

As I endure this process I will need time to heal physically and emotionally. My fourth miscarriage..... another little human I was to call my child...with sparkling brown eyes, tiny hands and tiny feet I cannot and will not be able to hold and sing to on a sleepless night.

I write this with tears in my eyes and sadly share that I am no longer continuing with the desired pregnancy not because I want to but because this is what was in destiny for me. However, I am grateful to God for allowing me to already be a mother of two wonderful, heathy and beautiful children. After all, even though it may seem difficult, I need to "Be Still" and trust that somehow all of this is part of a purpose He has for my life.